Tiger No Longer Is a Person

Tiger Woods is an American professional golfer whose achievements to date rank him among the most successful golfers of all time. On October 31, 2010, Woods lost the world number one ranking to Lee Westwood. As of August 15, 2011, Woods is ranked #33 in the world.

We don't like Tiger Woods anymore because he just can't take it anymore. We didn't say him; we said it. Woods no longer is a person. He's an inanimate object, a thing. A story! He's global warming, the recession and the national debt.

For some of us, it's not what happened in late November, 2009.

It's not what happened since then, all of which we know in extreme, unrelenting detail. It's not even what happened before then, all of which was a secret of staggering proportions.

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For some of us, it's much simpler than all the complexities of a story so complex that it has taken every media outlet to cover it.

We can't take another second of a subject that has been reported to within an inch of its life, minute-by-minute every hour, day, week and month for nearly two years. Even when nothing has happened!

No, especially when nothing has happened.

And that's the source of our grinding fatigue now. Woods has remained larger than his sport — way larger, like a blimp to a balloon — even as his significance continues to shrink by the stroke.

Next month, it will be two years since he won a PGA Tour event. On this year's money list, he trails Blake Adams, George McNeill and Tom Gillis, each of whom, for all we know, could be hockey players.

Woods has earned $629,863. The Tour average is $784,444. In other words, at this point of the season, Woods isn't even average. He's below average, and there's empirical proof of it.

And yet, everything that happens in this game — every swing and shank, every chip and putt, every in-the-hole and out-of-bounds — is viewed through The Tiger Spectrum. How does this affect Tiger? How does Tiger affect this? Good God, WWTD!!!

The last time Woods was this irrelevant in professional golf he was playing in shorts and a goofy straw hat — as an amateur. The last time Woods looked this small as a golfer he was on "The Mike Douglas Show." Woods, at that time, was 2years old.

The most popular name today on the PGA Tour is Tiger Woods. The second-most popular name is Tiger Woods' former caddie. The third-most popular name is Tiger Woods' future caddie.

Let's consider all that for a second. This is not much different than LeBron James, his barber and his dentist being the three most popular subjects in the NBA. And James' dentist has made as many buzzer-beaters in that league as Steve Williams has birdie putts on this tour.

Sorry, but everything Woods tweets, peeps and bleeps isn't news. Every Tiger quip, rip and slip isn't interesting. Every chirp, slurp and burp from the guy isn't profound.

Woods eventually will win again, adding another chapter to a book that already makes "War and Peace" read like the menu from an In-N-Out.

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